Harmony

The quiet --
The blessed quiet:

A bird chirps --
Two more join in.

A cat sneezes --
a dog scratches --
Fourth bird sings.

The gentle breeze
moves the clouds
slowly across the horizon --

Clatter of trains
across the tracks
With a loud whistled
announcement
that returns almost-
forgotten smiles.

Together, a harmony
of love and life.

Leap of Faith

Leap

Empty-Handed

into the void --

With implicit

Trust,

full of

faith.


A dance

searching
for grace.


a glimmer
a peek--

Sunrise ahead
as I come to Him
so meek.

This Woman and Her Vote: I-502

Standing up for my beliefs, is not new to me. Throughout my adult life; I have been active in protests, sat on the board of directors of an alternative high school, talked to city councils about adding youth recreation alternatives, volunteered for many organizations while raising my children (three, now in their 20s), and I have done my very best to be a conscientious voter.

My grandmother was born in 1919. She and my grandfather both believed very strongly in understanding the responsibility that comes along with the right to vote. “We (women) haven’t had the RIGHT long enough to take it for granted,” she said.

In her house, it was widely known by the barbed jokes that flew across the house come autumn; that her and my grandpa “cancelled each others vote.” But to NOT vote, was NOT acceptable!

I agree with grandma. One of my proudest achievements during the past two weekends; was the fact that I personally registered 4 new voters.  (I also made certain my OWN voters registration was up to date with my address change.)

These last few weeks I have had the opportunity to educate myself further about the initiatives that are on the ballot this year.
I have also had the chance to debate one in particular, I-502.

Even before I understood that cannabis was a CURE, not just a palliative measure; I would never be behind a measure that would promote jailing someone for using marijuana. 
I-502 is NOT a good law. When I read the text of the initiative, I didn't get past the first page without a flashback to a memo I have in my possession from Governor Gregoire stating that she could not conscientiously enact a law which would put state workers at risk of federal prosecution for their duties as state employees.

On April 29, 2011, she forwarded a message to her staff and the Washington State Dept of Health stating that, at that point, she was not comfortable putting her work force in the position of being left out to dry where it came to being criminally and civilly liable under federal law for actions required of their position in state government.

As a former state worker, I applaud her decision to do her research and to support medical marijuana while attempting to legalize it on a federal basis and doing her best to protect those who work for the public.

It unjustly penalizes our youngest patients. It unjustly penalizes our young adults period. Driving is a privilege, yes. One I can’t imagine denying an 18 year old cancer patient, just because she smoked a joint yesterday. I can’t even imagine telling a 20 year old crohnes patient that he couldn’t drive to work, after eating an edible the night before.  It isn’t right. It isn’t okay. If ONE person is jailed under 502, it is too many.


When the federal government re-penalizes our young people by prohibiting anyone with a "drug" conviction to receive federal financial aid for college; enacting a measure which would add to that travesty, is barbaric.

As for the FBI doing background checks of any “verified grower:” 

"The state liquor control board may submit the criminal history record information check to the Washington state patrol and to the identification division of the federal bureau of investigation in order that these agencies may search their records for prior arrests and convictions of the individual or individuals who filled out the forms. The state liquor control board shall require fingerprinting of any applicant whose criminal history record information check is submitted to the federal bureau of investigation."

Well, many people who I know that are currently growing some of the best medicine wouldn’t even THINK of  submitting their personal information to the federal government… Just sayin‘.

I believe that the best way to know what is in your food or your medicinal herbs; is to grow them yourself. It is especially important in a supplement that has the incredible wide-ranging effects, as cannabis does; on mind, body and soul.

This girl has read it. But I recommend EVERYONE always read EVERYTHING that they are voting on. Do your research for yourself. KNOW before you VOTE.


Full text of I-502 in PDF format:  http://sos.wa.gov/_assets/elections/initiatives/i502.pdf

Sensible Washington's Deconstructing I-502: https://sensiblewashington.org/blog/i502/

Patience

Patience.

That one thing that in 45 years, I have never had. 

I have never found patience.

I am impulsive by nature and I enjoy it. 

Other people, not so much. My now ex husband hated it about me. 
I have been told by many that I need to find it. 

Where do I go to find patience?

I have gone into the woods.
I have traveled back and forth across the country. 
I have meditated deep into my soul. 
I found stillness. I found quiet. I found EnLIGHTEnment. 

No Patience.

Some say I have found patients. I know I am a healer.
I seek to be a stronger healer. 
Patients have found me. 

Still, no patience. 

Especially not with patients. 

THAT is something I feel I would like to learn:
Patience with patients. Patience with my self. 

But where, how, when, can I learn to have patience with finding patience to have patience with myself and my patients, NOW!?!?!?!

Grrrr.... patience.

Depression & Friends

When the only person left to talk to, is a person you gave birth to; what kind of a burden do you place on them when your body and mind go through the hell that is chronic pain with prescription pain management?

I have had the honor to be allowed into the world of many young people. I was given this gift AFTER I had already put my own children through a hell I am only beginning to understand.

So many people in this country alone have the challenge of coping with chronic pain on a daily basis to the point that it has unequivocally changed their lives. A large percentage have been forced to stop working at their “normal work environment,” while being treated with prescription opioids, antidepressents then, more times than not, end up applying for disability. 

By this time, the people who you THOUGHT were your friends haven’t spoken to you in months. The only people, who will, came from your own body. Then there come the suicidal thoughts. Increased by the pain, and the medications you are taking to control the pain. But I will talk a bit about me, and my experiences.

When I was talking with one of my young adult friends, she (as MANY before her have) was expressing her frustration at her mother’s pain management by her doctor leading her to experience suicidal ideations. Also that a mom shouldn’t say things like that to her child. I agreed with all my heart, then reluctantly admitted that I have done the same. Not something I have ever been proud of, but I try to be honest. 

Our conversation had led down the road of the effects of chronic pain, and conventional narcotic pain management, on our families.  I began thinking about how I have managed to not only stay alive, but started to WANT to live, since Facebook came into my life.

First, a bit about suicide and my life: I have never been private about how it has affected my life, if you know me personally, but I guess I have never really written about it. It is time for me to do just that. 

I grew up with the knowledge that my father’s father had killed himself. He was someone that wasn’t talked about, although I remember hearing the story out of my father’s mouth on several occasions about the act itself. I also remember both of my parents stating that my brother would have been named George if he would have been the kind of person you named a child after. 

For the record, my grandfather, George, was injured by the butt of a rifle in the back of his head in battle in World War II; and due to the deplorable and archaic types of medicine practiced on our vets, was in and out of mental hospitals for that injury.

When my father was 5, my aunt 3, my grandfather gave my father his watch, closed the door to his office, and removed the offending object by shooting himself in the head.

Suicide first crossed my mind when I was only 13. By the age of 15 I had attempted to kill myself a hand-ful of times. The issues I have had with my own mental health have haunted me all my life, I will admit this freely. I am a multiple rape survivor having been abused from a very young age by both my father and my stepfather. I have challenges both physically and emotionally. Who doesn’t?

My savior was my grandmother; Margaret Ellen. I am her namesake. She was a woman anyone would name a baby after. I was that baby. Tomorrow would have been her birthday, but lung cancer took her from this world 19 years ago. One year after her passing, I was in the hospital with a suicide attempt while on antidepressants.

Daily, I wish that I could go back in time and make her a brownie. Her last words to my grandpa when he tried to kiss her were, “don’t, please, it hurts. Everything hurts.”  While on morphine, dying of lung cancer.

In the summer of 2000, I was given the news that my father’s body was found shortly after my birthday the previous year, after he had killed himself by the side of the road.

I had ceased all communication with my father 16 years prior, upon becoming a parent myself. I felt a need to protect my children from him, even before I regained memories of the abuse I sustained at his hands. His widow discussed with me at lengths, his obsession with me, culminating in his suicide after my birthday.

Suicide has touched my life constantly. It is time I came out of the proverbial “closet” about it. From my first love, Vic, who hung himself after discovering I got married, to the young friend and babysitter of my sons who committed suicide in his truck only a few hours after I gave him a hug in the local gas station.

Suicide. I can’t count the numbers of times I have wanted to leave this earth. The number of times I have expressed that to my children, when they were the only people left that loved me enough to care to keep listening; embarrasses me. Being on prescription antidepressants most of my adult life before being prescribed pain medication, left my mind in a haze for most of their childhoods. I wasn’t me.

Before Facebook, I had been confined to bed for about 5 years, on and off, due to chronic pelvic pain and digestive issues which had required several surgeries.

I had been able to work until 2002 (with the exception of months off due to surgeries and the recoveries thereof). In 2002, I was being prescribed 120 vicodin 7.7/750s as well as 25mcg fentanyl patch. I could not get out of bed.

By 2009, before enduring sudden withdrawls, only using cannabis for the symptoms, I was on Percocet & fentanyl had been raised to 100mcg for a year. Not controlling any pain at this point, but keeping withdrawals at bay. I prayed nightly that I wouldn’t awaken the next morning. But every night I would awaken, turn on my phone…and my friends were there to “snap me out of it.” I could do this.

When my daughter (my youngest child) was home from her first quarter at the University of Washington for holiday break, she and I set upon creating me a Facebook account. Being a computer programmer and an interested mom, I had previously followed my children to MySpace, so I figured this was not much different. I had no idea that it would LITERALLY save my life.

The first time I “friended” a stranger, I had no idea that those would be the people who I keep me alive from day to day until I was able to find a way out of prescription drug hell.

Every night, the pain was at it’s worse in the dark,
There were nights that I laid in the fetal position in the bathroom praying to God that the pain would stop. All I felt, was that it would pass; then I would pass out.

When I awoke, I returned to my tiny screen. On my tiny phone screen, my friends were awake somewhere. The opioids had their way with my mind, making the pain sensations worse, attempting to feed the drugs’ hold on my brain. I screamed out, in my sarcastic, or not so sarcastic, tone.

And they heard. My world expanded from 4 “stranger friends” to a few thousand. Every now and then I shout a bit more… some leave, some come back. 

My Facebook friends have called 911 when my withdrawals had my blood pressure down to 55/30, while my then husband, unknowingly, opened the door to the paramedics before he noticed I was passed out. 

They have been there EVERY time I needed to be reminded that I have a purpose in life.

I love them all.  And I am pretty certain my children are very relieved I now have someone else to talk to. 

Sending Love and Lighte to every last one of you!!!

Who am I May 2012

I am a 45 year old divorced grandma. I began writing while in college the FIRST time, at the age of 20. It was deemed a “hobby,” since I had children to support. I have recently rediscovered my “voice” while writing on Facebook. My Facebook friends (all 10,000+) are my daily inspiration!!!

A self-described biker, as well as a legal cannabis patient in my home state of Washington; I had been married 22 years, before leaving my husband 2 years ago.

In 2009 I found the strength to put my body through the hell that is opioid withdrawl. My physicians had been prescribing me pharmaceutical pain medications for over 7 years which eventually isolated me to my bed for 5 of those years. When I began learning about the medicinal properties of cannabis, I had been on 100 mcg of Fentanyl for over a year.

It took over six months to get over the withdrawls, about 6 weeks of that was acute withdrawl.  I am still working on rebuilding my health. The more I learn how to restore and maintain a healthy body through many methods, including the use of cannabis, the better I feel about life.  LIVE/LOVE/LIGHTE as my friend Keith would say.

I am presently on a mission to continue my research about cannabis while disseminating the information I discover  regarding that genus and it's uses as Industrial Hemp, Medical Marijuana as well as a Holy Sacrament, to as many people as I can reach.

Music leads my soul… I gave birth to 3 children, all currently musicians in their twenties.

My oldest son, recently signed to Platinum Trini Entertainment, has named himself, Menace Demarco. I actively encourage anyone I know who is interested in his genre (hip-hop, cannabis concentric) to look him up on Facebook & ReverbNation.

My other two children are private people who I do my best to respect. I also have 3 grandchildren.
My grandson, who was born 10 days before I turned 40 who is my life’s inspiration! I also have twin grand daughters who I didn’t have the chance to meet until they were almost 2 years old.  All three of my grandchildren are the Lightes of my life.

On April 1, 2011, my constant companion and part-time service animal, Athena Brooke was born to friends I was staying with. She has been a part of my life since that date and has been traveling the country with me since she was only 7 weeks old.
She looks like a black lab but is half chocolate lab and half blue pit bull.

I am a patriot. Having been a member of the Washington State Patriot Guard Riders as well as ABATE; I am currently embarrassed by the amount of ignorance that predominates our culture.

My goal is to spread the enLIGHTEnment of education to every person I can touch. I want to assist in rebuilding the COMMUNITY paradigm.

My dream is to build a self-sustainable, hemp-based renewable community (Hemp-based "permaculture").

I would describe myself as a “gypsy hippie.” I enjoy traveling and would love to use a camping van to continue to visit my friends across the world. I love waking up to a different front yard every morning!!

I long to spread LOVE and LIGHTE to the world.

~Love and Lighte~

The Early Days of Being on My Own

 

29 September 2010

Since many people have asked me what is going on, I suspect that many more are wondering. Perhaps not, perhaps everyone knows that I am insane. Nonetheless, here it is.

Over six months ago, I left my husband of 21 years. I do not have a large income. Due to my disability, I get a disability retirement stipend that doesn’t go very far. I had no other place, and very few resources, my boyfriend offered to let me stay with him. He didn't want me homeless but we weren't ready for that type of a relationship, we didn't even get a chance to date each other.

He and his family have been generous with their love and their home, but we agreed a long time ago that we need to live as adults, by ourselves, before we can look towards a future together.  This doesn’t mean we don’t love each other. It means that we do.

This past week, I was getting set to move into a room I was to rent from a friend, when I began to feel a panicky feeling. Trapped. For no apparent reason.

I came to the realization that I am sitting here, doing nothing, with nothing ahead of me. This isn't helping me at all. I am hurting myself as well as others more every day I stay here.  Besides, there is  NO reason for me to stay through another long wet cold winter.

After hours of discussion, evaluation and prayer; I have decided to embark on the first "road trip" of my entire life. By myself. Time to move on and see the rest of the country. Perhaps the world.

I will be storing the few things that I won’t be giving to my children or charity. I didn’t get many of my things back from my ex as it was. I am trying to come to the realization that I have no use for material goods.

In the past decade I have lost the home I raised my children in, the storage units that contained every memory from their childhood, and now everything else I had save for a few photos and clothes that no longer fit. I am beginning to feel very free. Time to concentrate on my soul. On me.

My 44th birthday is in about 3 weeks, I don’t want to be here for it. In the past year, I lost part of my peripheral vision. When it progressed rapidly before the next test, I remember thinking and saying that I wanted to see more of this world before I couldn’t. That desire hasn’t waned.

I have spent the last 26, actually now, 27 years; raising a family. Upon the realization that my children survived family life at our home in spite of me; I am coming to the conclusion that wasn’t why I was put here on this earth.

Why am I here? What can I do to help others? (that is something I feel passionately) What does this world I have lived in the corner of for 44 years look like?

These questions and more are what I hope to answer. If you have any questions about this process of mine, or anything else about me, if I know the answer I will gladly discuss it with you.

Thank you and much love to all my family and friends for your unending patience with me. That’s me. Never could be mistaken for anyone else.

The working title of my autobiography : “ No One Can Handle Her”

It is time for me to live for me. To find my place. To see where I CAN give. That's me. I need to give. I don't know what I have to give yet... I need to find me before I can know what God put me on this earth to give to others.. .

This is my plan so far:

On 10-10-10, 10 October 2010, I will leave the state I was born and raised in, and head south… that is as far as I know right now. I have no further plans than that. At this point, I don’t even know if I will be in a car, on a bike, or on a train.

15 October 2010

WHO AM I?!?

That is the question I am attempting to answer for myself during a journey around the country and world.

During this journey, I am hoping to visit anyone who is open to it. This can include my relatives, both those I know well and those whom I have yet to meet.

It also will include my “Pot Farm” friends from facebook.

I am also looking forward to visiting many of my friends who have moved to distant locals.

I know this much about myself:

I have the sense of humor of a 14 year old boy, and no “filter” between my brain and my mouth.

I am the mother of 3 children. I became a mom at the age of 17 after being told at age 15 that I wouldn’t be able to have children. I was married for 21 years to the father of my daughter, who is now 20. My sons are 26 and 24.

I am the grandma of 3 (identical twin girls who are 2 & a grandson who was born 10 days before my 40^th birthday who is now 4).

I am a biker. I grabbed a hold of the throttle after riding bitch for over 30 years with anyone who would let me. I won’t bitch again if I have the opportunity to ride. However, if that isn’t an option, I would always rather bitch, than cage.

I am a writer and a survivor.

I am retired disabled with a “hidden” disability.

I am also a medical cannabis advocate. My only source of pain control at this time is cannabis. Just for reference, my pain level upon waking ranges from about a 5.8 (on GREAT days) to 8.5 on bad days. It averages 7.4 daily.

My disability: I experience chronic nerve pain in my pubic area, chronic pelvic pain & a bladder condition called “interstitial cystitis”. I was prescribed Fentanyl (100x stronger than morphine) for over 7 years. I was informed by my physicians that I would never be able to completely cease using that particular pain medication or one similar.

Then, on my own, I stopped it cold turkey in August of 2009.

In December of 2009, I was confronted by my own body failing me.. I began to loose my upper left peripheral vision. Then, it worsened in Spring of 2010, when my doctors informed me that I couldn’t have the tests that were my only hope of discovering the root of this illness taking my vision and the sensation on my left side, due to the implant that I have to control the interstitial cystitis.

When I learned that I was loosing my vision, I decided that I needed to see more than just Washington State, where I have spent most of my life, save for living 9 months in Las Vegas in 1992. I have never visited most of the states in my own country. I have visited very little of Canada (a few day visits to Vancouver and Victoria, BC) and I have been in Mexico once as a teen for a few hours.

Last spring, after 21 years of marriage, I left my husband with only the clothes on my back.

Both God as well as the universe, have been attempting to make me aware that material things shouldn’t matter to me.

In 2005, the house I raised my children in was foreclosed upon while I was awaiting Social Security’s decision on my disability.

Shortly thereafter, my husband failed to make the payment on our storage unit, and we lost all of our material memories save for a few photos we had been able to keep with us.

When I left my husband, he decided that I only deserved the possessions that he chose.

He even took possession of the pet house rabbit that I had purchased while I was separated from him in 2005.

A few weeks after I left, my ex had the Harley Low Rider that I had paid the majority of, and been the only person to ride for many months, repossessed.

He has the car, the house, the pet, the remaining bike, and all the items that he decided that he didn’t want.

I now have nothing to tie me down. Homeless by choice.

My children are grown, my grandchildren have excellent parents and are in great hands.

All I do is feel pain in my hometown. I have pretty much never seen anything except my home state save for a few short trips to neighboring areas.

Before I loose my vision; I want to see everything I can. I want to learn about other people in other areas, I want to see this beautiful world. I want to hear music from all around the world, beginning with different regions of the US.

I am doing this on the smallest of budgets. As I said, I have nothing. I do have a warm sleeping bag, some clothing and personal objects I require to live, and continue to document this journey around the world, as well as the journey into myself.

If I was to be honest about what this is, it is a journey to me, through exploring the world around me.

Perhaps “Herriot the Spy” grows up and looks at the world around here, not just the people. I will be writing my life story, as well as a book about the people that I meet through the game “Pot Farm” on FaceBook.

I will be logging my travels as I visit my “Pot Farm” friends around the country, then hopefully around the world.

I welcome any and all feedback. Even though I may go through days and perhaps weeks, without posting much; please be patient, I may not have internet access or limited access for extended periods of time. I will continue to write even if it may have to be transcribed when I am able to return.

I am very much a hippie and I am trusting God and my inner intuition to guide me. I am only following my “gut instincts” to lead me where I need to go.

The current tentative plans are as such:

• My birthday (October 19^th), will be spent in the LA, California area with friends I most literally haven’t seen in 30 years. I hope also to meet and visit any “Pot Farm” friends in the southern Cali area during that time frame.

 

• January: I hope to be in Florida visiting friends who have relocated to that area, as well as new friends I have acquired through “Pot Farm.”

ALL of these plans are completely fluid, tentative and conditional upon only my gut feelings.

At any point, I may be forced to return in order to assist my family.

For now, I am following God, my heart, my instincts… or just my crazy brain.