10 October 2010

The Early Days of Being on My Own

 

29 September 2010

Since many people have asked me what is going on, I suspect that many more are wondering. Perhaps not, perhaps everyone knows that I am insane. Nonetheless, here it is.

Over six months ago, I left my husband of 21 years. I do not have a large income. Due to my disability, I get a disability retirement stipend that doesn’t go very far. I had no other place, and very few resources, my boyfriend offered to let me stay with him. He didn't want me homeless but we weren't ready for that type of a relationship, we didn't even get a chance to date each other.

He and his family have been generous with their love and their home, but we agreed a long time ago that we need to live as adults, by ourselves, before we can look towards a future together.  This doesn’t mean we don’t love each other. It means that we do.

This past week, I was getting set to move into a room I was to rent from a friend, when I began to feel a panicky feeling. Trapped. For no apparent reason.

I came to the realization that I am sitting here, doing nothing, with nothing ahead of me. This isn't helping me at all. I am hurting myself as well as others more every day I stay here.  Besides, there is  NO reason for me to stay through another long wet cold winter.

After hours of discussion, evaluation and prayer; I have decided to embark on the first "road trip" of my entire life. By myself. Time to move on and see the rest of the country. Perhaps the world.

I will be storing the few things that I won’t be giving to my children or charity. I didn’t get many of my things back from my ex as it was. I am trying to come to the realization that I have no use for material goods.

In the past decade I have lost the home I raised my children in, the storage units that contained every memory from their childhood, and now everything else I had save for a few photos and clothes that no longer fit. I am beginning to feel very free. Time to concentrate on my soul. On me.

My 44th birthday is in about 3 weeks, I don’t want to be here for it. In the past year, I lost part of my peripheral vision. When it progressed rapidly before the next test, I remember thinking and saying that I wanted to see more of this world before I couldn’t. That desire hasn’t waned.

I have spent the last 26, actually now, 27 years; raising a family. Upon the realization that my children survived family life at our home in spite of me; I am coming to the conclusion that wasn’t why I was put here on this earth.

Why am I here? What can I do to help others? (that is something I feel passionately) What does this world I have lived in the corner of for 44 years look like?

These questions and more are what I hope to answer. If you have any questions about this process of mine, or anything else about me, if I know the answer I will gladly discuss it with you.

Thank you and much love to all my family and friends for your unending patience with me. That’s me. Never could be mistaken for anyone else.

The working title of my autobiography : “ No One Can Handle Her”

It is time for me to live for me. To find my place. To see where I CAN give. That's me. I need to give. I don't know what I have to give yet... I need to find me before I can know what God put me on this earth to give to others.. .

This is my plan so far:

On 10-10-10, 10 October 2010, I will leave the state I was born and raised in, and head south… that is as far as I know right now. I have no further plans than that. At this point, I don’t even know if I will be in a car, on a bike, or on a train.

15 October 2010

WHO AM I?!?

That is the question I am attempting to answer for myself during a journey around the country and world.

During this journey, I am hoping to visit anyone who is open to it. This can include my relatives, both those I know well and those whom I have yet to meet.

It also will include my “Pot Farm” friends from facebook.

I am also looking forward to visiting many of my friends who have moved to distant locals.

I know this much about myself:

I have the sense of humor of a 14 year old boy, and no “filter” between my brain and my mouth.

I am the mother of 3 children. I became a mom at the age of 17 after being told at age 15 that I wouldn’t be able to have children. I was married for 21 years to the father of my daughter, who is now 20. My sons are 26 and 24.

I am the grandma of 3 (identical twin girls who are 2 & a grandson who was born 10 days before my 40th birthday who is now 4).

I am a biker. I grabbed a hold of the throttle after riding bitch for over 30 years with anyone who would let me. I won’t bitch again if I have the opportunity to ride. However, if that isn’t an option, I would always rather bitch, than cage.

I am a writer and a survivor.

I am retired disabled with a “hidden” disability.

I am also a medical cannabis advocate. My only source of pain control at this time is cannabis. Just for reference, my pain level upon waking ranges from about a 5.8 (on GREAT days) to 8.5 on bad days. It averages 7.4 daily.

My disability: I experience chronic nerve pain in my pubic area, chronic pelvic pain & a bladder condition called “interstitial cystitis”. I was prescribed Fentanyl (100x stronger than morphine) for over 7 years. I was informed by my physicians that I would never be able to completely cease using that particular pain medication or one similar.

Then, on my own, I stopped it cold turkey in August of 2009.

In December of 2009, I was confronted by my own body failing me.. I began to loose my upper left peripheral vision. Then, it worsened in Spring of 2010, when my doctors informed me that I couldn’t have the tests that were my only hope of discovering the root of this illness taking my vision and the sensation on my left side, due to the implant that I have to control the interstitial cystitis.

When I learned that I was loosing my vision, I decided that I needed to see more than just Washington State, where I have spent most of my life, save for living 9 months in Las Vegas in 1992. I have never visited most of the states in my own country. I have visited very little of Canada (a few day visits to Vancouver and Victoria, BC) and I have been in Mexico once as a teen for a few hours.

Last spring, after 21 years of marriage, I left my husband with only the clothes on my back.

Both God as well as the universe, have been attempting to make me aware that material things shouldn’t matter to me.

In 2005, the house I raised my children in was foreclosed upon while I was awaiting Social Security’s decision on my disability.

Shortly thereafter, my husband failed to make the payment on our storage unit, and we lost all of our material memories save for a few photos we had been able to keep with us.

When I left my husband, he decided that I only deserved the possessions that he chose.

He even took possession of the pet house rabbit that I had purchased while I was separated from him in 2005.

A few weeks after I left, my ex had the Harley Low Rider that I had paid the majority of, and been the only person to ride for many months, repossessed.

He has the car, the house, the pet, the remaining bike, and all the items that he decided that he didn’t want.

I now have nothing to tie me down. Homeless by choice.

My children are grown, my grandchildren have excellent parents and are in great hands.

All I do is feel pain in my hometown. I have pretty much never seen anything except my home state save for a few short trips to neighboring areas.

Before I loose my vision; I want to see everything I can. I want to learn about other people in other areas, I want to see this beautiful world. I want to hear music from all around the world, beginning with different regions of the US.

I am doing this on the smallest of budgets. As I said, I have nothing. I do have a warm sleeping bag, some clothing and personal objects I require to live, and continue to document this journey around the world, as well as the journey into myself.

If I was to be honest about what this is, it is a journey to me, through exploring the world around me.

Perhaps “Herriot the Spy” grows up and looks at the world around here, not just the people. I will be writing my life story, as well as a book about the people that I meet through the game “Pot Farm” on FaceBook.

I will be logging my travels as I visit my “Pot Farm” friends around the country, then hopefully around the world.

I welcome any and all feedback. Even though I may go through days and perhaps weeks, without posting much; please be patient, I may not have internet access or limited access for extended periods of time. I will continue to write even if it may have to be transcribed when I am able to return.

I am very much a hippie and I am trusting God and my inner intuition to guide me. I am only following my “gut instincts” to lead me where I need to go.

The current tentative plans are as such:

  • My birthday (October 19th), will be spent in the LA, California area with friends I most literally haven’t seen in 30 years. I hope also to meet and visit any “Pot Farm” friends in the southern Cali area during that time frame.

 

  • January: I hope to be in Florida visiting friends who have relocated to that area, as well as new friends I have acquired through “Pot Farm.”

ALL of these plans are completely fluid, tentative and conditional upon only my gut feelings.

At any point, I may be forced to return in order to assist my family.

For now, I am following God, my heart, my instincts… or just my crazy brain.