I currently felt the need to revisit that self-examination having had evolved quite substantially in the past year.
I remember being a little girl, vacillating between wanting to be a stay-at-home mom, and also wanting to be a physician. When I escaped through my reading into the James Harriott novels; I longed to be a country vet.
No matter the profession I desired to have; one goal has maintained a constant: I want to help others.
The past few years, I gave of myself to many. I have rarely been selfish with cash or anything else. But I have longed to serve in a deeper way.
I attempted to serve my fellow human by being active in political causes. Frankly, when I-502 passed, it took the wind out of my activism sails. Although I was happy that I was able to personally register a few voters, the spirit of contention that is present in so many in the activism paradigm brings the phrase "pathologically anti-authoritarian" to mind.
That is not me. I follow the rules. To the letter of the law. Always have tried, always will. I feel awful when I don't. It took me literally being knocked on my behind to remember who I was.
When I remembered who I was: A grandma of three, a mom of three, a woman who values her fellow human being (especially the children) and more than that; values God beyond anything else in this world or the next, it became imperative that I explore my relationship with my Heavenly Father. To this end, I prayed and asked how to become closer to my Heavenly Father, and my Savior Jesus Christ.
This spring I was baptized after a personal revelation lead me to The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints.
So, now, when I look at myself and who I am; I include the fact that I am a Latter-Day Saint. But I also maintain many of the goals and ideals that I did before my religious conversion.
I do not believe in judging other people.
I believe in doing everything within my power to help my fellow man. We are our brother's keepers. We are not in this life alone. I will always give the shirt off my back (don't worry, I have a habit of wearing several layers ;) ) for the shivering homeless person. That is who I am.
I have been in a situation where I thought I had it all: The house, two jobs, three kids and a husband.
I have been homeless without anything, temporally. I have been closer to God when I was living out of my car at a Montana rest area for eight days. God sent me my "lightehouses" that eventually were to lead me to the "ultimate lightehouse": Jesus Christ. The Light and the Life. My Savior.
God showed me the way home. I am looking forward to the rest of my journey. I have more than half of my life ahead of me. It is bound to be an incredible journey.
My current interests still include independent sustainable permaculture. Organic food production and alternative holistic medicine as well. I long to build Lightehouse living areas throughout the world. Hemp based & holistic permaculture. I am still interested in helping others step away from the prescription drug paradigm. As I further my own rehabilitation, I am continuing to write about the holistic changes I am making in my life and I am sharing the results in an attempt to help others.
I am still actively in the process of rehabilitating my own body and mind. My physical and mental health are gaining as much of a testimony as my spiritual health has. I am actively involved in helping my body catch up with the energy that my brain has felt during the time of my conversion.
I am enjoying getting to know new friends, but the words of a Girl Scout song rings in my ears:
Make new friends,
but keep the old.
One is silver,
the other is gold.
A circle is round,
it has no end.
That's how long,
I will be your friend.
For those wonderful friends who have been there for me; through whatever decisions I have made, without judging, even when it was hard not to: I love you with all my heart and soul. You are forever part of my "intentional family."
For my blood family; those who have experienced the worse brunt of my sinful actions throughout my life, to them I continue to ask their forgiveness. I am so sorry it took me so long to remember the mom and grandma that I long to be.
For those who are just getting to know me, you know a person who has lived many lives. Feel free to ask me anything. I am anything but shy. But my heart is tender. It's been broken.
My Wonderful and Forgiving Heavenly Father currently holds it in his loving hands.
May the Heavenly Love and White Lighte of the Holy Spirit embrace all of you.
