My Best Girlfriend

I have far too many friends with cancer. Far too many friends with stage IV cancers in particular.

This is about my best girlfriend. I found out some information today, that made me very upset. I found out that my dear friend is in the hospital, and that she has been placed on hospice. I decided to share a little bit of her and our story.

It was over 20 years when we met. We met over FidoNet. Both of us were software nerds, allowing our male halves to take a lot of credit, but we were fast friends. 

My children grew up knowing her as more than a friend, more like an aunt. Most like a sister to me.

We drifted apart due to life and husband drama, but found each other again on Facebook, like most of my friends, a few years ago.

I hadn't heard from her for over a year, but that wasn't unusual. Then one day this year I got a call. 

On that May afternoon, she informed me that she had been diagnosed with Stage IV renal cell 

carcinoma a few months prior. She also informed me that her father had been diagnosed with cancer and had died very quickly. Her mother was caring for her. 

During the surgeries that she underwent, she sustained both a heart attack and a stroke. 

The stroke caused her to loose her sight completely.

My best friend had not texted, or called or written on Facebook, because she was completely blind.

That weekend we attended her father's memorial service and held her hand as she went out into a large group of family and friends for the first time. Many of which had no idea she had completely lost her sight.

Shocked at her appearance, I hugged and helped her any way she would let me. But everything I did, felt like too little. 

She began the recommended courses of chemo in the summer, having a violent allergic reaction to the first one they tried.

In September they started another type of chemotherapy. This past one has resulted in her being admitted with the hospital, having lost another 15 pounds and experiencing a severe abdominal infection. 

She has decided to stop the chemo. Apparently she has been told that it will take approximately 3 weeks to get out of her system. Her family has been informed of her decision. 

Today when I first spoke to her daughter, I was told she was given only a few days to live. 

But I called Melanie today, and she is talking and sounding in good spirits. 

At this time she has no one providing her with any alternative treatments. I am doing my best to figure out a way or a method to get to Yelm to help her. If it is meant to happen, it will. Please keep Melanie and her mother and daughter in your prayers.



https://www.facebook.com/maggie.wawrinofsky?and=melonie.leonard

Forced Accident

Forced Silence
Penalization
turned Paradise.

Data speeds
Slowed by overuse --

Expected video
DENIED
Silence Remains.

Thoughts Expand
Imagination's Playground --
A ponderer's delight.

An accidental
conversation --


with God.

Me - July 2013 -

In May of 2012, I wrote a little essay, entitled "Who am I, May 2012".
I currently felt the need to revisit that self-examination having had evolved quite substantially in the past year.

I remember being a little girl, vacillating between wanting to be a stay-at-home mom, and also wanting to be a physician. When I escaped through my reading into the James Harriott novels; I longed to be a country vet.
No matter the profession I desired to have; one goal has maintained a constant: I want to help others.
The past few years, I gave of myself to many. I have rarely been selfish with cash or anything else. But I have longed to serve in a deeper way.

I attempted to serve my fellow human by being active in political causes. Frankly, when I-502 passed, it took the wind out of my activism sails. Although I was happy that I was able to personally register a few voters, the spirit of contention that is present in so many in the activism paradigm brings the phrase "pathologically anti-authoritarian" to mind.

That is not me. I follow the rules. To the letter of the law. Always have tried, always will. I feel awful when I don't. It took me literally being knocked on my behind to remember who I was.

When I remembered who I was: A grandma of three, a mom of three, a woman who values her fellow human being (especially the children) and more than that; values God beyond anything else in this world or the next, it became imperative that I explore my relationship with my Heavenly Father. To this end, I prayed and asked how to become closer to my Heavenly Father, and my Savior Jesus Christ.

This spring I was baptized after a personal revelation lead me to The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints.
So, now, when I look at myself and who I am; I include the fact that I am a Latter-Day Saint. But I also maintain many of the goals and ideals that I did before my religious conversion.

I do not believe in judging other people.
I believe in doing everything within my power to help my fellow man. We are our brother's keepers. We are not in this life alone. I will always give the shirt off my back (don't worry, I have a habit of wearing several layers ;) ) for the shivering homeless person. That is who I am.

I have been in a situation where I thought I had it all: The house, two jobs, three kids and a husband.
I have been homeless without anything, temporally. I have been closer to God when I was living out of my car at a Montana rest area for eight days. God sent me my "lightehouses" that eventually were to lead me to the "ultimate lightehouse": Jesus Christ. The Light and the Life. My Savior.

God showed me the way home. I am looking forward to the rest of my journey. I have more than half of my life ahead of me. It is bound to be an incredible journey.

My current interests still include independent sustainable permaculture. Organic food production and alternative holistic medicine as well.  I long to build Lightehouse living areas throughout the world. Hemp based & holistic permaculture. I am still interested in helping others step away from the prescription drug paradigm. As I further my own rehabilitation, I am continuing to write about the holistic changes I am making in my life and I am sharing the results in an attempt to help others.


I am still actively in the process of rehabilitating my own body and mind. My physical and mental health are gaining as much of a testimony as my spiritual health has. I am actively involved in helping my body catch up with the energy that my brain has felt during the time of my conversion.

I am enjoying getting to know new friends, but the words of a  Girl Scout song rings in my ears:

Make new friends,
but keep the old.
One is silver,
the other is gold.

A circle is round,
it has no end.
That's how long,
I will be your friend.

For those wonderful friends who have been there for me; through whatever decisions I have made, without judging, even when it was hard not to: I love you with all my heart and soul. You are forever part of my "intentional family."

For my blood family; those who have experienced the worse brunt of my sinful actions throughout my life, to them I continue to ask their forgiveness. I am so sorry it took me so long to remember the mom and grandma that I long to be.

For those who are just getting to know me, you know a person who has lived many lives. Feel free to ask me anything. I am anything but shy. But my heart is tender. It's been broken.
My Wonderful and Forgiving Heavenly Father currently holds it in his loving hands.

May the Heavenly Love and White Lighte of the Holy Spirit embrace all of you.

Spring Showers....

The wonderous smell
of a spring
rain

Washing
the world.
Minutes before
bathed in
Sunshine
and warmth.

A shower
turned
downpour

Watering
the little blue
crocus
 and
Lilacs
impending
flowers within.

A crack
of thunder;
no lightning
is seen.

Middle
of the day
Turned
to night;

Clouds
dampen not
the brightness
of the hour.

One lone
crack
of thunder:
An exclimation point
upon
the brief
spring storm.

Downpour
transformed
to light shower;
a shower
brought a
sprinkle.

A dry dog
on the porch,
Whines
in discontentment;
casting
her gaze upon
the lawn
and her
previously dry,
very clean,

toys.

Our Dance

Dancing.

I Love to Dance.

I've Danced,
many a Dance
with
varied partners.

For an
audience
I have danced:
Alone
for
eyes of others,
with a partner,
drawing in
the bemused.

My last
Dance Partner
My only.

Dance:
Foreheads touching;
Eyes closed,
we danced.


Souls touching,
we danced.

Our Dance:
The dance
of eternity:
Him
to me;
I am free.

To My Firstborn on His 29th Birthday

I now know
the pain
He had to sustain

to create
the man
He will become.

The knowledge 
of his path
does little
to ease
the pain 
I feel of loneliness
as the 29th anniversary
of his birth cry arrives.

Tears fall
from my face
a mother
so happy
for her son's happiness.

Yet so missing
his momentary
sweetness --
His crystal blue eyes
Looking in love
Oh how time flies.

Born to a child
I didn't realize
that I was

I gave you 
all the best
that I had.

When I had
no more to give

and no where else
to turn --
I gave you to God.

I pray each day
He lightes your way
and brings 
my baby boy
happiness  
Once and for all.

Public Education or Governmental Brainwashing?

I was just sitting here in the gorgeous spring northwest sun, listening to Pandora on my phone while it charged on my solar panel. All of a sudden, the peace was disturbed by an ad (no, I do not pay for "ad-free Pandora"). This particular advertisement stated, "every child has a RIGHT to a FREE and public education." What I heard in my brain was, "every child has a right to a free governmental brainwashing."

Public education, as a concept, was a fairly decent one. At the beginning. Making it possible to help achieve literacy for those families who did not have the time nor the ability to teach their children how to read and write and compute.

Unfortunately, the major source of that computing, now, is that of statistics and "full time equivalents" as that is how our children are measured in relationship to the funds that our schools and local governments receive from the federal government, in the guise of education.

Rather than care about the literacy and intelligence of our people, government funded schools have devolved into a competition for numbers. Our children are only numbers to our government, numbers that equal money to them.

But I say our children should be more than statistics.

My daughter was in the infamous class of 2008 when the Washington State's WASL was implemented. I was a staunch opponent. Even though both of my children in school at the time excelled at that particular standardized test, I was horrified at the devolution of their education as SOON as it was implemented in our schools.

EVERY class's curriculum CHANGED to ONLY focus on passing THAT PARTICULAR test.

It is an ABOMINATION. This country's education system is a JOKE.  It has devolved from inspired teachings of creative instructors to the rote memorization of alleged facts that are meant to answer standardized tests in the manner in which will net the school the most amount of cash from the government.

IS THAT EDUCATION????

I am so incredibly fortunate to have given birth to brilliant and creative children. IN SPITE of the standard educational environment offered to them within our public school system, each one of them sought out supplemental educational interactions due to their own personal needs and desires.

I DO applaud the educational system in our state and the area of Tumwater for making many of those opportunities available. However, even years later, many families do not know that such programs even exist.

During my daughter's Junior and Senior years of high school, as well as participating in her high school orchestra and color guard team, she attended both the local Community College AND the vocational skills center.

This was NOT an easy task: My daughter did not drive, and I was severely disabled at the time. She had to take many public buses in the pouring rain and cold wind, but I heard very little complaints from her.

In fact, what I DID hear were stories of what she had learned each day, whether it be in one of her many classes, or at her job in the math center at the college, where she as a 17 year old was tutoring people of all ages (most her parent's ages or older). She was full of excitement for each day of learning. She was driven by her own curiosities.

The college classes were funded by our state's Running Start program, and we asked for assistance through the college for her books. She also attended New Market Skills Center for two years, completing near the top of her class, their Robotics Engineering program, and having her first experience with politics having been voted her class president in her class.

I am exquisitely proud to report that she graduated with her Associates of Arts degree from the college the day BEFORE she received her high school diploma.

Unfortunately, my daughter is the exception. Most children don't seek out their own educational opportunities. That is OUR job as parents and extended families. It is OUR job to research and offer creative and PERSONALIZED educational experiences to our children.

It is OUR job to LEARN about our children and KNOW what they are interested in. It is a perversion of that job to sit them in front of an LCD screen full of animation or any unsupervised content and expect them to be entertained or educated.

It is pure unadulterated LAZINESS to put them on a bus to send them off to a governmental institution to be brainwashed into whatever the current fad of our government decides that they desire, in regards to their statistics.
Don't EVEN get me started on the "United States Government and THEIR current version of world history".

Talk to your children. Your little ones, be they grandchildren, nieces, nephews or friends. Get to know their interests and TEACH them what YOU know. They will surprise you.

Our little ones are full of ideas and inventions. They are BURSTING with curiosity. TEACH them what they WANT to learn. NOT what is in some handbook that says what our government decides they should know.

Teach your children your family history (yes, you have to learn it first, to teach it :) )

Someone a long time ago taught me something that has stuck with me all my days. A friend, not too long ago vehemently denied she had the ability to teach anyone anything ... and it came back to my mind:

You don't really know something, until you have taught it. Learn one, teach one, KNOW one.